Real Beauty Fertility Detour: IVF Journey

This episode is part of the Fertility Detour. A limited series under Real Beauty with FD Fertility doesn't always follow a straight line, and for many of us, the path to motherhood or the decision not to become one is filled with loss, uncertainty, resilience, and unexpected strength. In this series, I'm sharing my own story. I'm walking through each chapter of the fertility journey from miscarriage to IVF, to the emotional, physical, and mental toll it can take in a way that's honest, unfiltered, and nonclinical. This isn't about advice or perfect outcomes. It's about naming what's hard, honoring what's real, and holding space. For anyone who's found themselves on a fertility detour, they never planned for. If this is your story too, I see you. So let's talk about it.

Contact me @francenejdavidson

Transcript

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This episode is part of the Fertility Detour. A limited series under Real Beauty with FD Fertility doesn't always follow a straight line, and for many of us, the path to motherhood or the decision not to become one is filled with loss, uncertainty, resilience, and unexpected strength. In this series, I'm sharing my own story. I'm walking through each chapter of the fertility journey from miscarriage to IVF, to the emotional, physical, and mental toll it can take in a way that's honest, unfiltered, and nonclinical. This isn't about advice or perfect outcomes. It's about naming what's hard, honoring what's real, and holding space. For anyone who's found themselves on a fertility detour, they never planned for. If this is your story too, I see you. So let's talk about it. Before we get into today's episode, I want to start with a weekly reset. Just a few honest moments from the past week, something that filled me up, something that felt heavy, and one thing I'm carrying forward. So something that filled me up is I recently, a couple days ago. Went for my six week postpartum checkup with my doctor and everything was fine. I was cleared to kind of go back to, I guess, normal activities. One of the things I always like, I found odds and saying when I had Luna is when they ask you, have you had any like penetration or like sex in the last six weeks? And I'm like. No, but clearly they have to ask that question'cause there are women out there that do that within the six weeks. Who are you? Like why? I couldn't think of anything like worse in the last six weeks, to be honest. Just looking at like your body and the healing and oh my God, you just pushed the baby out. But honestly. I applaud y'all. So needless to say, I was like, no. But anyway, the doctor checked me, so all good. So it was awesome just being able to get back into an exercise. I say routine, but I'm literally in like no routine, but my palin is sitting, waiting. I bought a Pilates. Not like the fill machine, but just a kind of floor version. Literally this time last year, and I have not once used it, so I'm like, okay, you've been collecting dust, but 2026 is your moment. But what filled me up was being able to get back to pickleball. So I went yesterday and I wasn't. Out as outta shape as I truly thought I would be, to be honest. But it was just so fun. Like I loved it. I've really missed that kinda exercise. Or option to exercise, if you will. Something that felt heavy. So during my six week appointment, honestly, I feel like I've been reflecting every day since we had Brie, but more specifically, like just sitting in that waiting room and just thinking about the first time I went to see this doctor and I switched and, you know, we had such a good conversation. I told him about, the kind of past troubles. And then I think recently after that I did fall pregnant and then I had a miscarriage. And I just remember being in the waiting room. And even like throughout this journey, you would see other women being pregnant, they would bring their babies, and I just wondered if it would be. Us again, if we would have that opportunity. And I know I speak about I speak about this in my other episodes and this is the whole purpose of, of, to be honest, is doing this kind of series is, I really wanted to create space to kind of talk about this, but it definitely hit me and just the gratitude I have and as much as this journey has not been easy. Oh my God, it's so worth it. Like it truly is worth it. And now I'm gonna blame my postpartum hormones that I feel emotional even just talking about this. I just, I just can't express how genuinely appreciative I feel. So for sure that felt heavy. And then one thing I'm carrying forward is exercise. Promote this throughout pregnancy and just in everyday life, like exercise truly helps so much, not just from a physical standpoint, but for me it's more on the mental standpoint, just being able to have that release and, and feel good and healthy and active. Okay, so now we are gonna go into the edit section. So just a few things I've been reaching for, watching or loving lately. Okay. So watching. As y'all know, I love going to cinema. So we went to cinema the other day to see sent help. It's the new Rachel McAdams film. Oh my God. It was everything I wanted and more. I fucking loved it. It had a good amount of action. Thriller psychology, like the psychology side of things. And also it had some like good twists and they had some like good humor in it. They did like a really good job. So I highly recommend going to see it. And it is just wild seeing how Rachel looks at the beginning of the movie and then throughout and just her kind of transformation into, like, my observation is clearly they make her look as unattractive as possible at the beginning, and oh my gosh, she looks. Hot as you progress through the movie. But anyway highly recommend that. Okay. What I have been loving lately, as much as I'm really trying not to spend money, but fuck, I cannot help myself. So anyone else that's on maternity leave, how do you not spend money? I'm really trying, but what I'm loving is. Okay, so years ago, and I mean like four or five years ago, in order to kind of spice up my work wardrobe and not spend money, obviously it's the story of my life. I appreciate that. I signed up for Rent the Runway, so I was doing this every month and I found it to be really beneficial, just kind of pulling in. Like whether it was coats, dresses, um, I kind of, to be honest, those were my kinda two main focus areas. But I was picking colors that I wouldn't normally go for. So like blues burgundies, which is interesting'cause Burgundy is like legit my favorite color this year. But anyway, so I was trying to pick different. Colors, patterns, fabrics, designers that I wouldn't normally go to, and it was working out really well. And then if anyone is familiar with Rent the Runway, you will know that when you're renting something, they will typically give you a deal. And it could be up to 80% off that is right, 80% off. So for someone who's a shopaholic and literally signing up for that service to not spend money. You can appreciate my downfall, hence why I stopped. But anyway, there was a dress that I wore or rented, and it was by our Manny, and it was like baby blue tweed, sparkly material, which I know sounds odd in combination. It was so structured, it literally fit my body like a glove, and I felt awesome. However. You're probably thinking, well, Francine, you obviously bought it. No, this fricking idiot did not buy it, and it was$725 new, and I think they had a deal on it was like 80% and I was like, I can't justify it. I'm not gonna do it. I'll find it later. No, I never found it later until. If anyone else is like me, one of my hobbies is to go through Poshmark and try and find bargains. Typically, I aim for with tags or I have like my kinda go-to brands that I am typically looking for. Listeners, I came across the dress. Oh my God, it is stunning, and believe it or not, I got it in my size for$36. So I say I'm loving it because I waited until it arrived and oh my gosh, it is perfect condition. Like I literally cannot believe I got such a good deal on it. So that is now what I'm loving lately, and now what I need to be reaching for to justify it is now what I'm loving lately and now what I need to be reaching for to justify it. So let's get into today's episode. Picture this. I'm in a conference room at work. My doctor calls and says, I am pregnant. I literally lost it. I cried like a maniac in a room full of coalescent. I cry. I cried like a maniac in a conference room sitting on the most fricking uncomfortable office chair, trying not to disturb anyone else or create a scene or make it obvious to anyone else. That moment, honestly, that moment made every shot, every blo, every sleepless night worth it. But let me take you back because IVF is never just one moment. So in this episode, I'm gonna give you a little bit behind the scenes on our IVF journey. So I went with Aspire Fertility after a recommendation from a friend. I'm not a doctor, but I want to share what it really feels like to go through IVF. That includes the highs, the lows, and everything in between. Okay, so deciding on IVF first, let's talk about the decision. So my. Husband was traveling for large stretches during this time, which made the whole whole process interesting, shall we say. Honestly, it taught me to fully open up to my friends because you cannot do IVF alone. And certainly if your partner isn't physically present for much of it, you have to build a village. So I understand it is typically. Not the norm to go and say to people, you are going through IVF, or you know, even at the beginning stages of being pregnant, I know that people will typically wait for the 12 meet week mark, 12 week mark. But I honestly, this time I needed to be an open book, even just for my own mental. Wellness. So fortunately I have some great friends around me and specifically a tight group of friends who I've known since I moved here. And then one person in particular Lynn I've known since actually I was growing up in Aberdeen. So being able to have that by my side and have them supporting me through this journey made such a difference. So we actually skipped IUI and I wanna explain why we did that.'cause that was for sure the kind of next option in this journey. Our insurance actually covered. IVF fully. So we figured as it would technically count as a cycle. Same with IUI. So if you do IIUI, that would've been one full cycle. Now, if you did IVF, that is also one full cycle, so I understand people. It's less invasive doing an IUI. But for me, after going through what we've gone through these last couple of years, and then also the age difference between my daughter and that kind of potential baby, I just wanted to do IVF knowing that it would give us that greatest chance. Okay. So from my perspective, it was more. I don't wanna waste time. I wanted to get to the point, and we did, but obviously committing to IVF is scary and it really wasn't something that I wanted to do. But again, just kind of speaking to people, do my research and then having like a good consultation with the doctor, I felt. Comfortable moving forward with it. Okay, so let's discuss the injection. Oh my gosh, there's so many injections. Mentally, these were rough at first, the stomach shots, and that is what you typically. Take, and there's up to three, depending on the treatment that your doctor provides to you. But I had to take, I had to put three in a day same time every day. And they went into my stomach and, you know, I mentioned. My husband was traveling a lot. So as much as, yeah, the timing was sucky and, everyone's different. Like I've spoken to my friends who, you know, their husband's partners did the injections, you know, for them every night or every morning or whenever it was. And they did that together for me. I. I have to admit, I felt it was easier just getting on with it and doing it myself. Although I will say at the beginning, putting in the first injection,'cause you don't know how it's gonna feel, and you were like, oh my God, it looks so big. Is this gonna hurt? But once I'd done the first night, I was like, okay, I've got this. Now I say that as if it was easy. Nope, for sure. You know, the last couple of days your stomach's hurting, you've got bruises. You know, it's, it's not a fun process. Plus for me, I. Continue to feel anxious. Am I putting in the right amount? Am I gonna do this wrong? And not having my husband there. I had a lot of guilt that if something does go wrong, it's on me and then I would've ruined it. However, you know, even if my husband was there, the, one of the mistakes I did make early on is the first time I did the injections, I read the instructions, I watched the videos, but clearly still just out of anxiousness or, or maybe nerves. Obviously I did it wrong. I used the mixing needle versus the. Injector needle. And for anyone who hasn't gone through this or doesn't know what mixing needle is, it's typically significantly longer, like twice as long. So I put that into my stomach and at the time I was like, oh my God, it as long as fuck. But surprisingly, once I did it, it wasn't that bad. But then I realized after the fact when I spoke to my friend about it, it was the wrong one. So maybe because I did that, nothing was as bad. The other shots that you take, or Actually, I think it's, I think it's like a week or so before you get pregnant, just to kinda get your body ready is the pedestrian shots and, oh my God, these went into my upper butt. I had to do them for 11 weeks. That is typically the case. Yep. 11 freaking weeks. And what's wild is I still don't have feeling in that part of my kinda upper butt. And then also my thigh, which is crazy. So it is fully numb on my left side because of that. And I did alternate. But the other thing about this particular injection is it's like. Oil. So it is so fucking hard to like inject this in. So this was not an easy one. Plus the positioning of it was also not easy. So again, I also did all of these shots myself, and that on one side it was way more easier than the other. But the problem is, is because it hurts, you need to alternate, right? So it was awkward doing it on the left hand side. I would always have to stand looking at a mirror. And what's crazy too is like the amount of times I broke the needle while I was doing it. Yep, that is possible. It was like the resistance of that oil is not easy. I think in hindsight I dunno if I still would've asked someone, even if my husband was traveling. I think, it, again, everyone's different, but I think for me, the mentality standpoint, I was like, I, I just need to get this in over and done with done. And that is typically how my brain works. But the injections were brutal. I have to, there was, there's no sugarcoating that piece. So now the egg retrieval. So mentally and physically, this was also tough, this kind of chapter of IVF by the end of, doing the injections and kinda getting your body ready, so the whole. Point of the injections is to make your body produce more eggs. That is the purpose. Then you go into the egg retrieval and you take as many eggs as possible, but they need to be a certain size and they also can't be too big. Yeah. So every time I went for my ultrasound to kind of check, they were kind of measuring to see how the follicles are growing. So I found that to be tough.'cause in the ultrasound you don't really know how many eggs. You don't. Yes, you have an idea of some of the sizes, but you don't know. Like if at that point are they gonna be. Good, are they then gonna survive? So this was for sure a learning process throughout. And, by the end I was so bloated, I felt so uncomfortable. Fortunately for me, one of my best friends took me to the procedure and then waited for me. She said, I was like in and out in like 20, 25 minutes and it was amazing having someone like her to kinda wake up, take me home. We did a little match of Starbucks run. She then stayed with me when I got back and then my other friend, Kara then came over and stayed with me that evening. So I very much appreciate that, especially as we had Luna. So, I needed to make sure. That everything kind of remained normal for her. So throughout the egg retrieval, um, we were able to get 28 eggs and you know, I was so proud. I was like, oh my God, my body was literally full of eggs right now. And then afterwards, just the time it takes for the uterus to kind of go back down, it was a good like couple of weeks. To be honest. I felt very heavy. I did. Fine from the anesthesia. I was pretty much knocked out for like a couple of days after that. But again, it was really great seeing the kind of results of that 28 days. So then the next step is the waiting game. This is the worst part of this process is you just want everything to be done quickly. You just wanna find out, you know what, what the results are. But of course, it takes time. And each day just felt like months. So I also feel like this is something we don't touch on enough. And this was a piece that I was, to be honest, very ignorant about. And fortunately, I have had the opportunity. To interview someone specifically about IVF who you will hear in future episodes. So I just wanted to kinda deep dive with someone that is an expert and not just me. So I hope you guys find that episode helpful, but so I got 28 eggs retrieved then that resulted in 18 being fertilized, so fertilized with sperm. So already you've just lost. 10 eggs. They didn't make it. Then we got to 15 of the 18, went to the blastos stage, and then and then we ended up with eight embryos frozen. And then through those eight embryos, they typically will grade them. And we also went through the genetic testing. And wanted to understand the genders. So for me, just kind of going through this and the number I appreciate it is just numbers and for anyone you're kinda speaking to when you're going through this, you might hear some people say, what just takes that one? And for sure it just takes that one, if you have good quality and if your body then accepts it when you go to transfer. So you're kind of like from an insurance standpoint, like you want more than one'cause you want this to work, you wanna be able to have options. So I did feel very grateful knowing that we did have options. But just seeing each of the drops it, I did not expect that, to be honest. I thought you'd have 28 eggs and then you'd have 28 embryos. It is wild how much they do drop, so you wait between each stage and then every call you get from the lab, they will update you through each of the steps in this, and honestly, my heart was just in my throat throughout. You're grateful for every little win and then terrified for every loss and what that will mean. So now fast forward, we froze the eggs and scheduled the transfer for a Friday, and it was actually a Friday before I left on a two week business trip to Guyana. That was the location that I was supporting in my job before I went out on maternity leave. Now I hear you. Technically you're not supposed to travel after a transfer. And trust me, my husband was like, I don't think you should go on this trip. But I'm sure you can tell even just from this episode, I'm pretty stubborn and I am pretty determined, whether it's injections or whatever it is I'm working on or doing that. If we're gonna do it, we are gonna do it and I will commit to it, but. I also sometimes find it easier just dealing with it myself. So for me, the timing was perfect because it truly allowed me to not obsess over, okay, am I getting symptoms? Do I feel like I'm pregnant? I didn't want to be. At home where I had the urge to take a pregnancy test I wanted to be able to kinda just be completely disconnected and be on my own. So whatever happens, I'd be able to deal with it. Now, that is for me. Not everyone is like that. But it truly did allow me to disconnect. What I will say, the downside to this is having to take the medication and the injections while you are on a business trip and you're trying to keep up that schedule. Especially when it comes to work. You're having to do work dinners. You're, you know, working kinda long days. I found that hard to do and hide. Especially when, I know it sounds silly, but like when people are like drinking and you're like, oh no, I'll just have a water or a Coke this time. I like, weirdly, I feel like it makes it more obvious in those situations. And what's crazy upon reflection is one of my female work colleagues, after like the, I think it was maybe like the ninth day she asked me. Over dinner. Are you pregnant? Because I wasn't drinking, I was like, oh my God, I can't believe in this day and age. Just because you don't drink, it's like an immediate, well, you must be pregnant. And I found it like. Firstly, I was caught off guard. And secondly, you're like, could you imagine if I'm like, Hey Ashley, I'm going through IVF and I just transferred an embryo so I could be pregnant now, but I might not be pregnant. Be like, it's none of your fucking business. Why are you asking that fucking question? So I just I just don't know why people just have the urge to ask stuff when you never know what someone is going through. But anyway, um, for me, I prefer to be away. For those two weeks. For me, I prefer to be away for those two weeks. Hearing the news. So I got back and I went to the doctor on the Monday for, you know, the blood test to find out. And then that afternoon when I was back at work, they called me and they said, you're pregnant. And I literally burst into tears. It was the best news I think. I've ever received and I appreciate when people are going through IVF and they have that kind of two week window to find out if they're pregnant. A lot of times people will take a pregnancy test at home and for me, I truly had got to the point over the last three years of us trying that. Every month I would get symptoms and think, oh my God, this is it. Like my boobs hurt, or I'm tired or whatever it is. And I'd be like, let me just check. And needless to say, you wouldn't get the lines to say you were pregnant, but then in the back of your mind you're like, but I still could be. And that emotional. Like distress every month. I truly, I couldn't do it anymore. And I got to a point where I thought if I am pregnant, my period won't come. So I just stopped and at that point I just refused to take a pregnancy test ever again. I just found it so horrible, sitting, waiting, and then not seeing the result that you are looking for. So even in that two week window, even when I got back from Guyana, I was like, Nope, I'm just gonna wait until the doctor. What? Why worry? Why not just wait and see instead of having to kind of go through that again? Again, that's just me. But that was another way that I feel I found it easy to, easier to kind of deal with the infertility on a monthly basis. So the relief and also the disbelief and the joy and the rollercoaster of mixed emotions. Oh my gosh, everything I had gone through to this point. It literally made sense to me. It all worked out. So I immediately called Aaron and was like, oh my God, we're pregnant. And then that was, you know, I guess the next step into pregnancy care and you know, life after IVF. So once we had the results. I received a scan every week, and honestly, I felt spoiled, like Aspire treated me amazingly, and I felt supported every step of the way. Now, for a normal pregnancy, you typically won't get a scan until I think maybe, I don't know, is it the 12 week mark or. I think they check at like eight weeks, and then the first scan is at 12 weeks. I literally had one every single week, and once you get past that 12 week mark, that's typically when you graduate. That's how they refer to it. You graduate from the IVF clinic and then you go back to your OB GYM. Uh, literally being able to see your baby every week was amazing. Once I had got past that 12 week mark, I remember speaking to my OB GYN doctor and being worried about not being able to see the baby on a weekly basis. And I know that sounds ridiculous'cause it's not a normal. Expectation when you are pregnant. But the anxiety I felt every day like, will we be able to keep this baby? Will everything be okay? Is the baby healthy? That scan gave me such confidence, I didn't wanna let go of that. So my doctor did work with me. We had a double 12 week scan, which I appreciate. We then also had a 16 week scan, 20 week scan. And then at that point I did feel slightly better'cause you're able to feel the baby and, you know, every day she was wiggling around. So I, I, my anxiousness and worry did deplete throughout pregnancy. But those kind of first 20 weeks, I really, I really struggled to even, even past 20 weeks to even just believe that we were pregnant. It was, it really took a while. And what's interesting as I compare to my first pregnancy with Luna, where we didn't have any fertility issues prior, we just got pregnant very easily. We hadn't gone through any losses at that point, is I literally didn't have a care in the world. I was like, we're good. The baby's good, everything's gonna be fine. Versus e even like we told everyone, I, I even think like before the 12 week mark, like we told our family and friends, I think before 12 weeks, I'm sure we announced it at 12 weeks. Versus this time my closest friends knew. But I waited a long time before telling people, and even then. Even when I was inviting people to like my baby shower, even after I had Brie, I've had some people contact me and say, I didn't even know you were pregnant. And I, I think it was subconscious, but even at work, I didn't tell my boss until I was about five months pregnant. I also asked him not to tell anyone else. I don't even think I told a lot of my work friends, even before I went out on maternity leave, like I was just so in denial and just so scared that something might happen. I just did not deal with this. Pregnancy the same way as I dealt with Luna. And it's a shame. It's a shame on reflection and comparing that like loss does that to you. But again, everyone is different, but this was just my way of. Dealing with it and trust me every day as much as I was in panic mode of, is everything okay? Will the baby be okay? Will I be able to keep this baby full term? That went through my mind every day, but then I also, the gratitude of being able to grow a baby was just, ugh. It really was just an emotional rollercoaster. So looking back, IVF taught me so much. It taught me vulnerability and it truly did. It helped me ask for help and lean on my friends. It taught me resilience. My body and mind can do way harder things than I imagined, and it taught me patience though. Let's be honest, patience is a lie when you're living in the waiting game, but truly, I don't think I've ever been as patient as I was throughout that period. I. So if you're in the middle of IVF right now, know this, you are not weak. You are fucking badass. You are not dramatic. You are living through something physically brutal, emotionally relentless, and honestly, sometimes it is so isolating, but you're still showing up and that is so incredible. So thank you for letting me share my IVF story. If you're thinking about starting this process or if you're in the thick of it, I really hope this gives you a little perspective and I'll see you next time on Real Beauty with fd, where we keep it honest, real, and sometimes messy. Just like life.