Real Beauty: Postpartum Real Talk

Real beauty, honest and raw conversations... this week i'm talking about Postpartum. I recorded this a couple of weeks ago, and now our beautiful baby is 4 months, i've hit the 4 month hormone crash! It's been a wild couple of days, but of course, feeling all the emotions of loving this phase/chapter, but equally admitting it's difficult. WHY don't we ever say this? 

Hope you enjoy the episode, feel free to reach out @francenejdavidson 

Transcript

0:01

Welcome to Real Beauty with fd, the podcast where we talk about beauty in its most honest form, not just what we see in the mirror, but what we live, feel, carry, and grow through. I'm Francine Davidson and here we talk openly about womanhood, motherhood, relationships, fertility, confidence, and the messy, beautiful in between. This is a space for real conversations. Shared experiences and reminding ourselves that beauty isn't perfection. Whether you're navigating change, healing, becoming, or just figuring out as you go, you are not alone here. welcome to today's episode. So this is just a few honest moments from the past week. I have been obsessed with Mahjong. I started learning it towards the end of last year, and I actually just got invited to my first Mahjong club and I'm going tomorrow night and I cannot fucking wait. If I saw myself 10 years ago, I would be like, oh, the things I'm into now, but I freaking love it. So if you haven't learned how to play Majong and you might feel a little bit intimidated'cause people are like, oh my God, there's so many rules and it's so hard to learn. I promise you it is not. ever since I watch Crazy Rich Asians, I have been so desperate to learn how to play it. So anyway, now I can say I know how to play it and I'm joining my first club. So that is something that filled me up. Something that felt heavy actually is one of the reasons why I wanted to do this podcast. my youngest little baby, Aubrey, who actually just turned five weeks today, is currently sleeping in my arms because apparently I can't put her down. So yeah, I wanted to discuss postpartum in its rawest form after four hours of sleep. I thought, this would be a real conversation. And then one thing I am carrying forward, what am I carrying forward into next week? I think. Honestly, the process and routine we have down right now is way more further advanced than I ever had with Luna when she was a baby. Okay, so the next little segment is. The edit. So a few things I've been reaching for, watching or loving lately. So here are some of my recommendations. One, a movie recommendation. I watched the Netflix, movie that was just released with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. It's called The rip. Oh my God. I loved it. It was not what I expected. The storyline like, to be fair, I only watched like one trailer, but knowing it was them two. I was like, oh, we're watching this. We don't need to do research. But it was just unexpected. I really liked it. Everything I liked in a movie, it had the drama, thriller, action, great actors. So yeah, I highly recommend it for a movie night. So some of the things I have been reaching for, and actually I have, one in front of me right now. So if you haven't heard of the brand, Jones wrote, oh, it is so good. They have some great pieces to add into your, I would say skincare and then makeup collection. And actually it was founded by Bobby Brown, the original Bobby Brown before she sold, the company. So it is more targeted for more mature skin. But I have been loving it. So one of the items that I'm gonna recommend it is called the Face Pencil. I use Shade five, and it is basically like a crayon. Like it looks like a crayon, but it's concealer. So typically day to day, I don't wear makeup. So you will see some of those recommendations. Of how just to be like a lazy girl. Any kind of piece of that process that I can not have to do, I will go find products to make sure that I don't have to do it. And it means getting ready so much quicker. so I use a face pencil, I use a little bit, kinda under my eyes. And then I also have, pigmentation, underneath my nose. So I typically use that on a daily basis just to get rid of that and even out my skin tone. But it is a really light way, great coverage. So highly recommend. And then the other thing that actually one of my girlfriends recommended for Luna for Christmas, but. I ended up getting one for myself too, is called Low Key Days and it's basically a fragrance body miss and it's shaped like a daisy and they have different colors. You can find it in target. But they're so cute, they look adorable. So if you have kids out there, I highly recommend it's a gift. And I think they're only about$6. But they have some good cents and they last so. That is, my recommendations for this week. So now let's get into this episode. I wanted to focus on postpartum the things that no one fully prepares you for. And let me caveat, this is my second go. Luna Rose, our first, she will actually be eight in April. And then. Aubrey Calder, who again is sitting with me, very well behaved right now'cause I'm holding her of course. She is currently five weeks. So we had a big gap in between and of course you forget everything. When I say postpartum, so often we think, okay, by the time you get to six weeks recovery for, vaginal birth or eight weeks for C-section, we're kind of like, oh, okay, that's postpartum, right? But no, that is not the case. It is all the way through. To be honest, up to 12 months and beyond is still considered postpartum. So once you get to the end of that six, eight weeks, all the way through to 12 weeks is still acute recovery. So please remember that when we think about those of us who are based in the US who typically get maternity leave and it verges on six to 12 weeks, we are still in that recovery. Then three to six months, your body and hormones are still shifting. You are still continuing to see that and experience that. And then as mentioned, up to 12 months and beyond is still postpartum, especially true if still breastfeeding. And when I was pregnant with Luna, I heard so many horrific birth stories and pregnancy stories. when it came to after one of my girlfriends, told it to me straight, so I was a little bit more prepared. So for the first few days, it truly is that kind of reality check. So firstly the bleeding piece. And actually let me just go back and say, from my experience, I've only ever had a vaginal birth, so everything I speak about in this episode will be more associated with vaginal. I have not had a C-section, so I appreciate some of these pieces will not be applicable. So the bleeding, oh my gosh, it is so heavy. And I found myself this time being like, wait, how long do you bleed for? I feel like it went on for ages. So for me, I bled for roughly four weeks. I only just stopped. But like the first couple of weeks, holy shit, it was heavy. And then on top of that, you then also have. The soreness, the swollenness from the like immediate, like vaginal pain. The swelling is wild. And I will also say I appreciate those brave women out there who have had a vaginal birth. And you have looked, I do not wanna see it, not interested. I did the exact same with Luna. I didn't look. Until I'd gone to the doctor and got it all clear and I will be doing the exact same. I'm not interested to see the state that is down there, it is so swollen. And then on top of that, it's like your body's gone into fatigue. So it's like you're moving so slowly, that you have that kind of weakness. you just forget how much of a toll it takes on your body. So one of the things if you are preparing to give birth vaginally is our hospitals are so good here, so they give you like a huge like period pad, if you will. But I would say it's one of those like overnight ones, like the thicker ones and then also like ice. It's like postpartum, like ice bags that you can put on top of that along with you have like topical hemorrhoid cream and then also there's a spray that you use. it helps so much. So I bought more of those kind of witch hazel pads. The hemorrhoid cream. And then I also bought a lot more of the like frozen bag things to help with the swelling. That was my savior. The other piece I feel they don't necessarily touch on, and I think they shoot in more detail, is your first put, which let me tell you, the fear is real and. When I was postpartum with Luna, no one told me about that. And my girlfriend texted me like after birth and was like, girl, wait until you have the first poop. And I was like, what do you mean? I honestly thought I was giving birth again. It was so fucking sore. So this time I actually started taking stool softeners the minute I got into hospital. And even then it was so sore But it is just so sore and I never heard anyone talk about it. I'm like, why is there this like secret club that girls don't kinda let other girls into just to prepare you for that? I'm like, the doctor should immediately be saying to you, Hey, you gotta take. Stool softeners religiously. I take them twice a day. The other piece is clothing. So again, lesson learned after Luna. This time round, I got, cozy pajamas that you can, button up that has made such a difference. I am using a lot of like high wasted underwear that I wouldn't typically. Wear before, but even just for support and then also all the stuff you've gotta put on your, down there, it also helps. And then also just in general, like high wasted joggers, loose, clothing I have that has been my go-to cozy t-shirts. I have a Cardi that I've been wearing religiously. That is just in general a conversation now with Luna. I had like severe sickness throughout my pregnancy, but I still put on around 25 pounds, and I would say I never lost all the weight I had with her. I think I was always 10, 15 pounds heavier than I was pre getting pregnant with her. Now, this time round, I would say that my sickness was like twice as bad. So I really struggled to put on weight this time. And actually I am pretty sure I lost weight throughout this pregnancy. After giving birth, I basically lost all of it and then more. But I say this because it has been wild how much conversations have just been fully focused on my appearance Like I've dropped the weight immediately versus, I don't know, just other conversations I just can't wait for the day in the future where we're not constantly hyper-focused on weight and how we look. But anyway, I will save that conversation for another time. But it is just interesting. I would say again, your body is not meant to, snap back. It's like you think about how long it's taken you to grow that baby. Of course your body's gonna be different. Like I already see my hips are wider. I've still like a pouch. And again, I'm only five weeks and that's okay. There's so much time to get back. In shape. That should not be your key focus, and I wish more people normalize that. you have moments where you're feeling like super good and it's as if you didn't just have a baby and then it hits you. And I noticed this like the first couple of weeks I was going on, probably longer walks than I should have. And on a couple of occasions I had to stop. I was like, I felt faint. I honestly felt like I was about to collapse because your body has just gone through so much and you just forget. And I also think if you have kids already. You are just in that mode of you gotta keep going. So I say this because I am the worst person for this. So if any of my friends are listening, they're like, you like struggle to even just sit down. And I know, and I think that's being hard is truly resting. I really struggle with that. You were given, a baby who likes to be held because you're the person that needs to slow down and this is the only way that you will slow down. And boy do I have that with Aubrey. Like I said, she is currently sitting with me right now fast asleep, but I know if I put her down, she won't immediately cry. Life does not stop. I would say that recovery for me has not been linear. It has truly been a process, and again, it's only been five weeks, so I'm still trying to make sure that I'm resting as much as I can. So the other piece is focusing on feeding. So I know that this is sometimes a. Controversial topic, right? If you breastfeed, awesome. As long as the baby is fed, I think that is best, and you do what is right for you. I tried to breastfeed Luna the first time and what's interesting, and to me so contrasting to this experience is I felt so much more pressure to breastfeed. And as I mentioned, I was sick throughout my first pregnancy that when I was breastfeeding there was like nothing coming out. And I continue to try and I look back and I just think that first 12 weeks to me, yes, it was incredible. We had a baby. I feel very grateful, but I honestly found it a really tough 12 week. To me, there wasn't many highlights I can pick for. It wasn't until I got back to work and I was like, okay, I'm not breastfeeding. We're in a routine. I have my life back. we had so many visitors that came out that, to be honest, just didn't help. And I think that added to the stress, but also my milk just did not come. So we got to like the five, six week mark and Luna was starving. So the doctor finally was like, Hey, why aren't you just giving formula? And the minute we gave formula, when I tell you this girl slept so much better, she seemed so much happier. It was like the biggest relief. But oh my gosh, it was so hard. I remember every time my husband brought Luna through. He'd be like, she's hungry. And I'm like, I literally just fed her like 20 minutes ago, 15 minutes ago. My boobs were so sore, I would just cry. I just found it so stressful. So the lesson learned this time round, we decided together that, okay, if my melt doesn't come in the first couple of days. We're good. We're just gonna go straight to formula. And we tried. She got the first, or we got the first bit in hospital. That was my goal. Continue to try for a couple days it didn't come and I was like, okay, we're just gonna do formula. And that has made this experience so much better. Like I know there are other components like second kids, I know what I'm doing. I feel a lot camera this. This time round, maybe it's because, Just everything that we have gone through to get to this point, I'm sure there are multiple factors, but to me it feels so much better. So Formula is my best friend and the baby breeze, oh my God, it is the best thing my friend has ever given me. The kinda expectations versus reality. I appreciate so many people go into this with, oh my gosh, this is how it's gonna be, and it turns out very differently, and that's okay. You just have to pivot with what is best for you and your family, and what makes it the easiest. But I will say, I forgot about how often they spit up Jesus Christ the other day. Aubrey spit up, I swear three different times. I changed three times that day. I had to change her outfit three times and I was like, gosh, what a great day. Another topic to touch on when it comes to postpartum is the resentment, guilt, and the shift in your marriage. So let's acknowledge we have that nighttime imbalance, right? One of you is going to be doing more than the other. Now that is typically due to the fact one of you is at home, right? During. Maternity, paternity leave. So I know for me the way we've been working it is the first couple of weeks my husband was at home, he was off, and then once he went back to work, it's then on me in the evening, which is fine. That's what we agreed upon. But for any new moms out there or anyone that kinda reflects back, oh my gosh, it is. Wild. Even just in five weeks how it's like the nighttime feeds anything from 7:00 PM onwards until 6:00 AM If any of those feeds are done by someone else, gosh, it is so appreciate because it means that you get a longer sleep. So instead of having to wake up. Every kinda three, four hours, you then get that kinda longer stretch and it just does the world of difference. So to put it into perspective, I'm actually recording this part the next day because yesterday, as I mentioned, we had the play date and other things. My husband was at his, pool league that. I hadn't really slept the night before. And then it's wild how you can continue to function and then you get a particularly bad evening and it just hits you so much more. And I get really bad headaches, migraines, and I've now had one for the last two days. I also think I'm potentially getting sick, which of course always the case. Your immune system is just hit so much more in postpartum. I can feel the weakness of my body just struggling with stuff because of the lack of sleep, right? Like having that lack of sleep just does so much against you. So I would say kinda tying this together is it's. If for anyone listening to this who's going through it, it is natural to have some type of frustration or resentment towards your partner. I feel if anyone doesn't, what are you doing and why are you not talking about it? And I have even an element of guilt that when, Aubrey does wake up during the night and my husband's sleeping. I obviously try and not wake him. Now it's his choice to stay in the room. We have a spare room. He was given that option, but I appreciate he wants to, kinda stay next to us and that's awesome. But at the same time, when I'm doing that night feed and you look over and your partner is sleeping soundly and snoring, fuck does that annoy me? And I don't even feel bad saying that. I say that to him. It's annoying. And the other piece where I think you have some of that for me, I'm not generalizing, I will literally just say this for me, that when Aubrey was born, it was like a couple days before Christmas. So when I mentioned that two weeks before my husband was off. We then also had New Year, we had Christmas, we had all the other kinda entertainment pieces like in between. So where he would've then typically done more of those kind of feeds, he was then enjoying himself and having a drink, which is fine, but I wasn't for that reason'cause I was paranoid. So then again, it's typically then on that one person and you don't. Like you can't recoup back. That lack of sleep, it just continues on. But knowing this is my second, I will say that mentally I, it's easier because I know that this isn't forever. I know there's gonna come a day where she will sleep for longer. That will continue to happen. And then, our oldest daughter, she typically sleeps in the morning. Now I know. Not all kids are like that, but I appreciate that. I will get sleep eventually, but for sure the mental load is real. Even though other people are going out to work. Independence and time is completely absorbed by. A little baby, right? So what I would recommend is ensure that you're having those honest conversations with your partner. Don't sit in silence. If you're frustrated, and trust me, I have voiced my frustration to him. Or I will say like yesterday, like today I am really tired. So if I'm short with you, it's, and I say the same to my older daughter. It's not you, it's me. It truly is me. In this situation, but it's hard and I think you gotta give yourself some grace and just think that yes, although this chapter is tough, it is temporary, it will pass for sure. The other thing I wanted to mention too is, it is a success when you leave the house for the first time. When I look back at having Luna. Yeah, we didn't leave the house until she was like 10 days old. And when I look back in pictures, I was like, God, I looked horrific. Now this time being the second, and then also I will caveat that under normal circumstances, I don't think I would've been as active, even though I am a pretty active person. But because it was during like Christmas. We were out by day two. She was two days old and we went to a friend's house for Christmas. We were out for, new Year's Eve. So leaving the house for the first time, having that kind of blowout, just working around her schedule while not at home, I would say is easier to do that as early as possible and just get it done. Because there is that sense of relief that, okay, we can change the diaper in the trunk of the car, or I can feed her sitting in the backseat or sitting in a restaurant or whatever it is, or go to a restaurant where there's no diaper table and you're like, fuck, how are we gonna do this? And of course she's gonna poop. Or of course she's spit up all over herself and I need to change her outfit. It's gonna happen eventually. So just rip the bandaid off. You will be fine. Just make sure. That you have everything you need in your diaper bag. That is key. Change of outfit, diapers, diaper cream, all that fun stuff. But just, say to yourself that getting out of the house is an achievement and you should be proud that you are out there. Whether you haven't showered or you're dressed in a mishmash of clothing from your wardrobe, that's fine, For me, I don't minimize those small victories. We walk Luna to school, every morning and then I pick her up just to kinda, the reason I wanted to do that was I'm never gonna get this time back. I'm never gonna be able to do that with Luna again, just due to kinda work scheduling. So to me that was my commitment to her. I'm like, we are gonna do this together and we're gonna bring Aubrey. So there are mornings. Where I've misjudged the feeding time or it's cold outside, you just truly just wanna stay in bed. But for me, I wanted to have that purpose in the morning and then that purpose, in the afternoon. Of course, I've had to record this over two days and Aubrey is back sitting with me again just to close out this little podcast. So I appreciate you listening and hopefully some of this resonates or it helps you prepare for your own postpartum journey. But I would say let's give ourselves grace and. As much as it's challenging in the early hours when you were doing another feeding, you had no sleep, is really keep that kind of positive mindset and in closing, for me, postpartum should not be focused on that bouncing back. It's learning your new body rhythm identity. And if today all you did was walk, leave the house. Feed your baby even if you didn't leave the house. Even if you just got up and got changed, you did enough. And this is such an amazing chapter of life that it's also really difficult and can be extremely lonely. So my last piece of closing advice would be, don't. Close yourself off to your friends. Make sure you're reaching out even if your girlfriends are working. I have been reaching out to them to say, Hey, if you're working from home, let's go meet for lunch. Or Let's meet for coffee or breakfast, or Can I come to your house and hang out and bring lunch? Or let's meet for a happy hour. Like you have the opportunity to continue those relationships and when they ask you how you are. You do not need to disguise it and say, yep, fine, all good, no. You have the opportunity to use that time to vent. Talk about the raw truths of what you're going through and use your friends for that. This is what your friend group is for. Thank you for listening.